It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
