someone threw a dead crab at me
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
