Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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