no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
