i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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