I didn't shave. On purpose
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize