An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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