No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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