Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm passing your future prison.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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