my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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