Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize