I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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