just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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