dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
