I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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