I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
