I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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