you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
