I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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