Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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