I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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