you're like a bully in the Christmas story
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
