WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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