i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I AM VODKA MAN
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
