woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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