I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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