I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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