The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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