Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I looked at my own cervix.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
