She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
