Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
