Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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