Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
