I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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