I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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