Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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