I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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