I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i've created a new STD.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
