I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize