I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
