My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
