Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize