I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
