god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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