my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
