I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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