new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
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