I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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