fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
