He asked to "fluff my boner.."
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
