Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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