did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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