1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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