The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
