today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
