Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
