Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
