TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
high people should be assigned attendants
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
