Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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