my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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